Chain of Fools

Somewhere in the world a mentally unstable person (we’ll call her Ethel) is reflecting on the terrible events of her life. Ethel remembers all the promises made to her over the years, by friends, her parents, her boyfriends, the politicians. She remembers all the promises that were never fulfilled. Ethel is angry…very angry. She has a steely glint in her eye. She’s plotting her revenge. Then her computer catches her eye, and a plan takes shape in her mind. Ethel smiles for the first time in years; finally she has come up with the perfect way to punish all the people in the world who’ve ever broken a promise. Ethel shuffles in front of the computer and starts typing. She’s typing a CHAIN EMAIL.

Ethel is a smart girl - the most dangerous type of lunatic one can find in this world. She understands what makes people tick; she knows how to play with people’s emotions. First she decides on her methodology. Will she go the spiritual/ religious route, or will she just go for the jugular and appeal to the inherent greed evident in most people. Oh, what the hell, she’ll just do one of each.

So, Ethel types and types. She has a plan and it looks like this:
1. Appeal to a person’s need to feel special, as if they are one of a chosen few: “I have received this email and decided to pass it on to 10 special people/ 15 strong women/ 20 deserving friends.” (the lower the number, the more special they feel)
2. Appeal to people’s desire for miracles: “This really works!!!!! My wish came true/ I had a money windfall on Tuesday” (people will believe and do anything if you add this sentence)
3. OPTION A - Appeal to a person’s spiritual/ religious sensibility: “Read the prayer below and then make a wish.” (it’s even better if you add some saintly or biblical name, like “St. Theresa’s prayer” or “Mary Magdalene’s prayer"). OPTION B – Appeal to a person’s greed: “A blessing is coming to you in the shape of money.”
4. Add the prayer in the case of Option A OR add something random like a picture of cascading money in the case of Option B
5. Add some false references from others who’s wish came true, or people who had a cash windfall.
6. Now comes the part where you get others to spread the false promise: “Send this to 10 special people/ 15 strong women/ 20 deserving friends.”
7. Appeal to people’s innate scepticism, by adding something pseudo-scientific: “The more people you send this to, the faster your wish will come true.”
8. The MOST important thing is to add a threat: “If you don’t forward this in the next 10 minutes, you will have bad luck/ poverty for a year.” (this is usually the line that clinches the deal, as people are inherently superstitious)

Ethel sends the email with a satisfied smile:
From: ethel@nutcase.com
To: sad_friends@gullible.com

2 years later the email is still making the rounds. It has traveled the globe. It has given people false hope. It has made people more cynical.

I have learned my lesson by now; I have passed on my fair share of chain emails and they have NEVER resulted in some kind of miracle or windfall. So, now I delete them. I particularly dislike the threat at the end of the email – what kind of friend would I be if I wished people potential bad luck or poverty? And just for the record: I have deleted many of these emails and I have never experienced poverty or bad luck due to this very sensible decision on my part.

Let’s face it people: THERE ARE NO FREE LUNCHES! Money will not roll into your bank account just because you forwarded a silly email. Chain emails do not lead to miracles. That does not mean that I don’t believe in miracles. I just don’t think miracles wait for some chain email to come around, before bestowing its blessings on people. It’s much more likely that these chain emails contain some kind of computer ‘worm’ (or whatever they call those things), that automatically sends all email addresses on the chain email back to the source of the email (this, by the way, is not fiction, like the false promises in a chain email). This is how unethical businesses build their databases for spam. Have you ever wondered where all those unsolicited emails, advertising some new ointment for erectile dysfunction, come from? At this point I would just like to thank all my friends who have ever sent me a chain email – my inbox is filled with spam, thanks to you. Love you guys!!

Now lets get back to Ethel. If anyone can tell me where she lives, please send me her address. I have a petrol bomb with her name on it.