Rip van Wrinkle

Something strange is happening to my face. In fact, I don't even think it's my face anymore. Every morning I'm greeted by a new wrinkle. Gone are the days that pillow creases disappeared sometime after I finished my first cup of coffee. Now they just hang around for half the day, like they want to be my friend or something. EVERYBODY knows I've actually slept the previous night.

I've tried sleeping in different positions to keep the after-effects under control. Sleeping on one side causes my face to hang lopsided for most of the day. Not to mention the fact that I wake up with half a liter of drool on my pillow. Sleeping on my back leaves me looking permanently surprised and slightly Asian (not that I have a problem with Asians, but the look doesn't sit well with my blonde hair). I've even attempted sleeping on my stomach, which is a complete mess, leaving my face looking like it was painted by Picasso in his Blue Period.

I've now fallen prey to the cosmetics industry. I've bought a lotion and potion for almost every part of my face. I started out using the eye gel around my eyes only. After about a week I decided that one can never have enough of a good thing. Now the eye gel goes onto my entire face, along with all the other lotions. In the mornings I have to use a paint scraper to break through all the layers.

There was a time when I wished for larger breasts. Now I wish I had the torso of a thirteen year old boy (before they start growing chest hair, of course). Every morning I wake up with a deep furrowed trench where my cleavage used to be, thanks to my old friend Gravity combined with various sleeping positions. The wrinkles spread out and up towards my neck in a proud flourish. I don't think the cosmetic industry have even managed to create a suitable lotion for this particular problem.

Needless to say I no longer buy magazines aimed at a demographic consisting of pre-wrinkle young women (Sluts!). Mirrors have now become purely decorative pieces in my home. If I absolutely must look in the mirror I do it while wearing sunglasses - the wrinkles are still there, but it looks so much better with a faux tan.

Despite all my complaints about my sagging flesh, I'm just pleased I'm no longer caught up in the angst of youth (especially the neuroses of my teens). Several years ago, while I was still dating my husband, (aka my smooth-skinned days) I asked him whether he would still love me if I had wrinkles. It seemed like a joke at the time, but his answer still consoles me today when I face the horror in the mirror. He simply said: "My darling, I'm only interested in one wrinkle."